Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
