honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
