Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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