Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
