i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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