I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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