I am spending my child support on dildos
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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