That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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