You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
The Olympian is in my bed
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
