Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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