I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
