so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
