Where did you get a picture of my penis
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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