So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Hippo gnu deer
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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