So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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