He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I need a beard to bite.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
