Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
