This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
