Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
