We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
