God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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