I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize