im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
