eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
