Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
