My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
