the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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