the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
