Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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