party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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