I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
