Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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