we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize