I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
