If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
