Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
