she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
