So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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