does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
