Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
