Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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