Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
