In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
