To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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