Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
