i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
