I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
