.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
