Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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