I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
