Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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