i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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