4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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