and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
