that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
