my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
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