So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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