Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
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