Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
